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April 12, 2004 #
Substitute Teacher Day 2 at The Other Page I admit that I stole this. Good enough for you? Spelling and punctuation have been cleaned up to protect the author. - - - - - - Dear Wasted Death: I saw your ad in the back of that gay rag the Village Voice. You say you're looking for an "expressive bassists who can rock the balls off Magnus ver Magnuson." Right on dudes! At first I was, who's Magnus ver Magnuson, but I finally figured it out. (I had to sign up a week in advance for computer time at the public library, and had to sit next to some a-hole in a sweater, so you better give me a shot.) From what I can tell, Magnus is some kind of strongman and totally revered and won all those contests from like 1979 to 2002, but I can tell you this: his balls ainŐt safe around the subterranean thundering boom of my drop-D five-string monsterstick. Magnus may be good at "tyre" tossing or that one where they lift weights that looks like something out of "The Flintstones," but can he withstand the punishing barrage of strummed sixteenth notes coming through a Hartke 4200 cabinet cranked to 11 and pummeling him with the low end? The onslaught of noise would sterilize that old man, if all the steroids he's guzzled haven't already done the job for me. If you are serious about getting an awesome and uncompromising bass player in your band, I got two words for you: BERKLEE SUCKS. You don't go to school to learn music. I learned to play the real way, by rocking along to "The Triumph of Steel." My band just broke up (drummers never want to practice. They're fucking lazy) so I can get together whenever. I can also sing and I write songs too. I've got a demo of my solo project I did on my brother-in-law's fourtrack that will shake the meat from your spine. Some of my influences are Geezer Butler (no shit, huh), Ross the Boss (ya, I know he's a six-stringer), Markus Grosskopf ("Keeper of the 7 Keys, Pt. 1" rocks! "Pt. 2" is good too), any of Ozzie's thunderboomers, and the Gods of Valhalla: Jack Bruce, Geddy Lee, Les Claypool, Jaco Pastorius, and Michael Anthony. Let's jam together and see if we have chemistry . . . like a fucking neutron bomb dude!
One foot in the grave and fucking shit up,
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