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January 7, 2004 #
 Ladies, Learn How to Pee Standing Up Here Day Two in stories past their shelf-life but still too good to throw in the trash with last week's Chinese. (Yes, food.) This one isn't covered in mold yet and it took some time because I had to rely on other people. And there's nothing "The Other Page" hates more than other people. But when Gawker linked to NYPost's Conde Crapper Crackdown I couldn't resist diving into this hot pot of clamoring chowder. I was determined to get both sides (smashed potatoes with gravy & corn nibblets) from sources on the inside. I tracked down one Teen Voguer and one Allurer for the double scoop. I had intended to show both replies in a Q&A&A session but the Teen Voguer raged-a-muffin instead of actually answering my questions (typical, f'noitch) because she told me, "Crackerass, teens don't follow rules...they break 'em like hymens!" Oh, I forgot. Then let's go with the obedient Allure anonymie first. TOP: Tell the truth, how bad was the situation? Is this just another case of "territorial pissing"? A: It was pretty bad. It got to the point where you would have to check at least three stalls before finding one that wasn't full of piss, shit, or blood. A few drops on the seat I can handle. But a bowlful of brown? Gross! TOP: What’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen in the bathroom? (i.e. blumpie sightings?) A: Ad people are not known for their normalcy, but I have actually seen shit smears on the floor. Ladies, take your freakin' meds! TOP: I’m very curious about these "See Jane Pee" and "See Jane clean-up" renderings. I imagine they could catch a pretty penny on eBay...if you threw in some used panties too. Anyway, the question: Was the basis for "Jane" really who I think it was or just one of those rascally beauty editors? And more importantly, can I watch "Jane" do whatever it is that she does? A: Pay attention. "Jane" is the good example. She is the one who wipes up her pee drops and sends the poo "bye-bye" and disposes of her sanitary materials in the proper receptacles. Beauty editors are all that is good and true in this world! (Ed. - Stitches, please.) TOP: How many times a day do you plow the powder room with a good old-fashioned Conde Caf chili bowl-coating? A: Krucoff, you are so gross. A lady avoids shitting at work unless the situation is dire. Twice a week tops. TOP: Lastly, what's the female version of a glory hole? A: As much as I would like to ram a stiletto up some of these bitches' coochies, my gay male roommate informs me "glory holes" are a myth. (Ed. - What?? But those college stories about campus restrooms on the library floor no one goes to!) Plus, everyone here is really nice and sweet and I would never do that. Excellent work, A. Batter up, Teen Vadge... "I cannot believe that actually warranted ink. Christ on his porcelain throne. So I guess the secret's out: CondeNast girls DO take poops and pees. Here, I've been relieving myself in a plastic Diet Coke bottle and hiding it in the file cabinet next to my desk because I didn't think there were bathrooms on this side of the building. I've also managed to pinch my turds into minuscule portions to which point I scatter them around the office where they most likely are mistaken for raisins." (Ed. - Wow. If I was gay I'd probably say, "If I was straight I'd marry you.") Related Story: Take a camera-phone guided tour of Conde Nast oddly inspired by Jonathan Safran Foer. Archives "The Other Page" powered by Removable Hype. Copyright © 2003 La Otra Página, Inc. All nights observed. Feel free to email "info(at)krucoff.com" for questions, comments, stock tips, and family gossip. |
