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May 20, 2004 #
 Trans-poor-tation by Chris Gage Desi Arnaz Jr. is Robbie Reinhardt Lisa Hartman is Nikki Howard Hesseman is Voice of Senor Smooth Wink Martindale is Sam Ed McMahon is Henry Sherman Al Molinaro is Sightseer Vic Tayback is Floyd 'Snake' Kraslowski Rue McClanahan is Adele Sherman Stunts performed by Gilbert B. Combs and Sam Cooper --- I applaud the myriad devices you people have devised to get around this city: the rickshaw, the taxi, the pedicab, the bike, those imbecilic horse-and-carriage shit machines up by Central Park your girlfriend is always nagging you to have sex in . . . It's almost difficult to fathom, and who knows what the cloudy and abstruse future surely holds -- even more awesome modes of transportation undoubtedly. (Fuck the current Vespa fad, though. Roma if you want to over to a cold shower. How can you people live in that heat?) With my hypermnesia flaring up like a bad case of hemorrhoids, my memory drifts back to junior high when the taped-up-glasses crew I ran with was outfitted with perhaps the perfect vehicle: the go-cart. (I'm laughing so hard I'm getting a bad case of the collywobbles just thinking that word: "go-cart." Repeat after me: Go-cart. Awesome, now take your top off.) We each had one, and mine was bought from some shop kid whom we were all scared of but for the first and only time this kid actually took my money without a kick to my nuts. $350 was all it took to get my hands on this primer-gray beast of a machine. He's probably somewhere making six figures as the head of a NASCAR pit crew while I rue the day I chose English as a college major. (On a side note: Where's the great American literature about go-carts? (I'm looking at you Brock Yates and Dave Eggers.) ) Anyway, we tools tooled 4 inches off the ground with only an eighth-inch piece of rusted sheet metal separating our ass from the pavement. For the first time in our lives, we were truly free. It was like something out of the end of a "The Awakening" - only through our reckless abandonment of the pressures of growing up tied down by the rigors of bourgeois Connecticut could we truly exist. It was also cool to mount a bottle rocket launcher on the steering wheel. IDEA! Ergo: Instead of that Second Avenue subway line that threatens to plow down my apartment building in the name of an easier commute for Upper East Siders, just build an elevated slot-car-track-like thing along Second Avenue where they can commute by cart. I mean, I'd wave the white flag each morning just for the sight of some duded-up dude or doyenne caroming south to Wall Street in a Briggs & Stratton-powered cart. *selected cast of Gridlock aka "The Great American Traffic Jam" Archives "The Other Page" powered by Removable Hype. RSS. Copyright © 2003 La Otra Página, Inc. All nights observed. Feel free to email "info(at)krucoff.com" for questions, comments, stock tips, and family gossip. |
